I'm Back

I took a little detour and "forgot" I had a commitment to a good plan here. So now
I have returned to The Beck diet solution by using a workbook that I ordered earlier. I got busy this fall traveling and just got off track.
So Back to day 1 I go! I don't even remember where or when I quit doing the "welcome to your death diet". But I do know that I gained 3 of the 5 lbs i had lost back. I'm sure it will
come off quickly and my goal this time is to be serious about sticking to my plan
and to get my wt down lower than my earlier goal. My first goal was the high end of my healthy range.(150) Now I want to get down to the middle of my healthy range, that would be 137.
My wt today is 154.

A 3rd Way

At the CCEF conference I ran into an old friend Barbara Aills (CCEF Board member and excellent biblical counselor. www.biblicalcounselingministries.com). We were talking about the right way to be motivated to eat or to not eat.
(So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:30-32)
She drew a line horizontally across a paper. On one end she wrote restriction. On the other end she wrote licentiousness. And then she said something shocking. The 3rd way is not even on this continuum. It is up at the top of the page (triangle) and that is God's way. It is surprising and utterly different. It is motivated by love, gratefulness, forgiveness and God's glory.
This illustration can be applied to the other areas in which one wants to overcome and please God with the only motivation that will bring about change that glorifies God.

Hurry Up

"Isn't God powerful enough to change me immediately? Yes God is and sometimes does...
but I don't think that is typical. Indeed the New Testament affirms that the most common method
for sanctification (change) is a process that has to be practiced as you struggle against sin."
Love to Eat Hate to Eat by Elyse Fitzpatrick

I have been struggling against overeating for 30 years. But that does not mean I have been struggling against sin using His methods. I usually (almost always) use my own methods.
His methods are utterly different than getting motivated by restriction.

uummm, yeah

I did it again.
I worshiped at the altar of "Health and Beauty".
One month ago I adopted a rigid, way healthy, diet.
No caffeine, no soda, no coffee, green tea daily, and
every super food you can think of:
almonds
walnuts
oatmeal
soy milk
flax seed
salmon
asparagus
spinach
olive oil
pomegranites
brown, whole grain rice
quinoa
egg whites
etc...
What is wrong with this?
I think what is wrong for me in this is that I doubt the power of Christ in my sanctification to change me and help me to eat for Him. I "use" the thrill of reinventing myself and being perfectly healthy to motivate me. It works immediately and fantastically...but it is not lasting.

“Grasping the external propulsion of God’s grace is crucial to our understanding of mission. It means that mission is not a duty (something we ’should do’) but a natural overflow of the gospel’s work inside us. If you aren’t motivated to love, serve, and speak the gospel to people, the answer isn’t to ‘just do it.’ The answer is to examine your heart, repent of sin, and discern where your unbelief is short-circuiting the natural outward movement of the gospel. As the gospel renews your heart, it will also renew your desire to move out in faith into the relationships and opportunities God places in your path.

To put it simply, the grace of God is always going somewhere—moving forward, extending his kingdom, propelling his people toward love and service to others. As we learn to live in light of the gospel, mission should be the natural overflow. God’s grace brings renewal internally (in us) so that it might bring renewal externally (through us).”

- Bob Thune and Will Walker, The Gospel-Centered Life (World Harvest Mission, 2009), 46.

Skinny Bitch

As I have confessed in earlier blogs, I am susceptible to getting on health kicks, feeling GREAT and then burning out. Well, at the risk of repeating this scenario I have embarked on yet another "health kick". I mean how can I say no to an urge to eat oatmeal, flax seed, pomegranates, and salmon, to just name a few of the many super foods I have been eating daily. I can't resist the super feeling of getting all those antioxidants, omega-3 fatty acids, flavonoids, vitamins and minerals .
It started innocently enough. I was in an airport on one of my many trips I have been taking lately and saw the book "Skinny Bitch". I was curious and bought it. It really inspired me to, first of all quit the junk, like coffee, soda, refined flour/sugar and wine. One line in the book was particularly inspiring, something about taking healthy habits one day at a time, the hardest part will be the first 30 days and then it'll get easier since I'll feel so much better.
In the mean time I am 2 weeks off caffeine, coffee, soda and junk and one week off wine.
I feel really SUPER.

Stressed?

If you try to seize the day, the day will eventually break you.
Seize the corner of His garment and don't let go until He blesses you.
He will reshape the day.

Reminders to think thin

If you think...I hadn't planned to eat this food, but I'm hungry. I have to eat right now!

Remind yourself... I don't need to eat. I just want to eat. But I want all the benefits of weight loss much more than I want the momentary pleasure of eating.



If you think... Even though I've finished everything on my plate, I want to keep eating I like feeling really full.

Remind yourself....Trying to become overly full is a habit that is likely to lead to weight gain. I need to stop when the food I've planned to eat is gone. My hunger will subside within 20 minutes.

DAY 42

Practice, Practice, Practice

Congratulations!
You've learned the cognitive therapy skills to think like a thin person. The longer you practice these skills the easier dieting will become.
Whenever you hit a rough patch, and you will, come back to the 42 habits we have just gone through. go through then all over again!
I am going to!

DAY 41

To Do
Here is a list of techniques that you have learned over the last 40 days.
You will need to continue these if you want to reach your goal weight or more importantly STAY at your goal weight.

Do these activities daily

Eat a healthful diet with limited calories.
Think about what you are eating before you actually put it in your mouth.
Sit down whenever you eat and then eat slowly and mindfully.
Eat only to mild fullness.
Monitor your eating throughout the day.
Give yourself credit.
Exercise.
Respond to lies or sabotaging thoughts.

Do these activities between once a day and once a week.

Weigh yourself at least once a week.
Discuss your weight and diet with your coach once a week.
Do planned exercise at least 3X a week.
Make sure you devote enough time for dieting.
Read your truth cards as needed.
Use anti-craving techniques.
Use the 7 question technique when upset.
Prepare for special occasion eating.
Problem solve to reduce stress.
Enrich your life.

Do these when you feel needed.

Plan and monitor what you eat..ideally daily!
Read your cards.

DAY 40

Enrich your Life

Do not put your life on hold while you diet.
Take a few minutes to write down goals that you have
now and for after you lose weight.
Do you believe that you are a worthwhile person deserving of love and pleasure?
Or do you think you do not deserve those things until you are at a certain weight.
Challenge yourself to allow yourself to enjoy pleasures and opportunities at your current weight.
Live your life now. Value yourself now. Even if you never lose the weight.

DAY 39

Keep up with exercise

Motivate yourself to exercise! Start small, 10-15 minutes a day.
You can do anything for 15 minutes!
Ask someone to do it with you.
Hire a trainer.
Try a video.
Be sure and do the type of exercise you like!
You need to write on your truth card why you want to exercise and read it often.

DAY 38

Deal With A Plateau

If you expect the scale to go down every week you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Short plateaus are perfectly normal in which the scale doesn't move or even goes up. This is due to fluctuations of hormones, fluids etc...

If you have reached a plateau, usually within the first 6 months of dieting, in which your weight does not moved for weeks at a time and you are still overweight, then chances are your body does not need the amount of food you are eating.

You can either change up your exercise or cut back on the food.

I am patient!

One thing I can say that I have become with dieting is PATIENT. (I am practicing giving myself credit.)
But it is true over the 30 years I have struggled with my eating I have learned to be more gentle and patient about the process. Finally.
I mean I wasn't patient 5 years ago when I went on the unhealthy atkins diet and ate sunflower seeds and low carb chocolate compulsively. When that diet stopped working after losing 20 pounds I began to gain quickly and stopped at a 30 pound gain. That is when I adopted patience. Four years ago I joined weight watchers and 24 hour fitness and began slowly and usually patiently losing weight and getting in shape. I guess I took a few crazy detours like the the Eat - Clean phase I went through, explained at the beginning of this blog back in april. Knowing what my purpose is for losing weight has kept me on the journey. The goal is not to get thin. But hey, I realized this week while I was living my life and living it with purpose, that I am within 4 pounds of my healthy goal weight. And I feel perfectly ok with where I am. The thing that I'm getting tired of is paying weight watchers forever...even though it has been worth it to not quit and gain it back. So what I decide to do ii... I am looking into working FOR weightwatchers. Then I can recoup some of that money AND keep getting the encouragement to continue. ineed to know that its part of the purpose God has for me...and I'll do it.

Stressed?

What do you mean by the providence of God? (Question 27)

“The almighty and everywhere present power of God; whereby, as it were by his hand, he upholds and governs heaven, earth, and all creatures; so that herbs and grass, rain and drought, fruitful and barren years, meat and drink, health and sickness, riches and poverty, yea, and all things come, not by chance, but by his fatherly hand.”

- The Heidelberg Catechism

DAY 37

Steps to Reduce Stress

1) Solve the problem- If you are stressed due to too many demands or responsibilities,
review day 8 cutting back on activity.
review day 27 to respond to negative thoughts.
2) Relax- Breathe and relax your body using relaxation techniques
3) Change your mindset-If you are chronically stressed you may be functioning under a set of your own unrealistic rules.
For example I should always make people happy, or I should always do my best.


Think through whether these are God honoring rules? or is the god you are truly serving "yourself" as you strive to feel good about yourself. The chief end of man as per the catechism is to " glorify God and enjoy him forever".
This should eliminate much stress : to glorify God you "depend on him".

To Do List

Write up your food plan (takes about 3 minutes!)
read your truth cards at least twice
read other truth cards as needed
eat slowly, seated
express gratefulness when you engage in helpful eating behaviors
exercise
create a believe it truth card
progress report
remind self of behavior and mindset changes you have made in the past 5 weeks
weigh and record

also are you still....

consulting diet coach
making dieting a priority
tolerating hunger and cravings
responding to lies with truth

DAY 36

Believe It

Have you lost weight so far?
Do you find yourself not believing it'll last?
Well, believe in yourself.
You have done it so far!
Think of all the behaviors you have improved.
~how often do you eat standing up?
~ mindlessly?
too quickly?
See? you have made great improvements!
What about improvements in your thinking?
~how often do you fool yourself?
condemn yourself?
You have changed a lot! And you will be able to keep doing it!
Once I believe I have lost weight due to my own efforts dieting will be easier.

DAY 35

Get ready to weigh in.

It has been 5 weeks. Good Job!
Tomorrow you will weigh yourself and
remind yourself that the scale is a tool to learn from.
It does not measure your worth.

Prayer

When you stop trying to control your life and instead allow your anxieties and problems to bring you to God in prayer, you shift from worry to watching. You watch God weave his patterns in the story of your life, you realize youare inside God's drama. As you wait, you begin to see him work, and your life begins to sparkle with wonder. You are learning to trust again.

A Praying Life..Paul Miller

Prayer

When you know that you can't do life on your own,
then prayer makes complete sense.


A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller

DAY 34

Solve Problems
Thinking clearly about a problem will help you to be less upset.
First step define the problem.
Then identify negative thoughts running through your mind.
Is this neg thought true or is there another way to view this?
What would I tell a friend in this situation?
What should I do now?

Be realistic. Sometimes there is nothing to be done about a problem you have no control over. But taking the steps to examine your thinking and identifying that there is a problem will go a long way to helping you to handle it without overeating.

Sometime you just have to feel the emotion or do the uncomfortable task. You need a helper. You may need a person and you definitely need to cry out to God.

Back From Vacation

Before I left for vacation (me and my sisters watching fireworks) I prepared in the way day Day 32 instructed us to, and it worked. I decided ahead of time on a plan all the way down to saying I can have 1/2 of a cinnamon roll at Grandma's. I lost 2 pounds on vacation! I got the hang of stopping before I was stuffed also and that felt so good to not HURT at the end of a meal. It feels really good to eat "just enough". Try it sometime. It was also easy to distract myself with relationships on vacation. They were more satisfying than the food. Now the battle begins. The stress of real life is back and I am tired and sick. I need to get back to the plan before I gain weight. I need to apply what I learned on day 33 about not eating because I feel bad. Because I do feel bad and I just wanna eat.

DAY 33

Don't eat for emotional reasons.
Do you eat when you are stressed, bored, angry,
guilty...or any other emotion?
Eating will not help you with these emotions,
in fact it only makes matters worse.
There is nothing wrong with negative emotions.
They are Gods way of indicating there is a problem to
go to him for.
Do you think you can't tolerate negative emotions?
You can! Just like hunger, a negative emotion is not an emergency!
When you are tempted to eat when not hungry or, when it is not
on your plan ask yourself, what am I feeling? Use the
techniques learned about overcoming cravngs.
Tomorrow we will discuss working on problems behind the feelings.

Chicken Wing Study

Source: www.youtube.com

Brian Wansink and CNN's Dr. Gupta explore the idea that people eat with their eyes and not with their stomachs.

DAY 32

Prepare for Travel
About a week before your trip create a diet strategy.
Remind yourself of it every day before you leave.
It is unrealistic to expect that you will be able to
keep to your diet as closely as you would at home.
But this choice is up to you. The important thing is to decide ahead of time
will you keep to your diet strictly, allow yourself a few hundred more calories per day,
or allow yourself a treat per day or per week?
Using any one of these strategies might cause a small weight gain
but it is better to plan and be prepared for this than be too strict, blow it and give up.
Write in your diet notebook the things you will allow yourself and the things you will
not indulge in. Drinks? Desserts? Grandmas cinnamon rolls?
Write up some sample eating plans with what you know might be served and stick
as closely as possible to them.

DAY 31

Decide About Drinking
This is your choice depending on what your diet says.
There are many reasons to limit your drinking
one being alcohol contains empty calories.
Another reason is that drinking weakens your resolve to stay on
your eating plan.
Choose today what you will do.
Limit your drinking to one a day?
One a week?
Eliminate alcohol all together?

I put this picture here just to break up the monotony of my boring blog. I seem to only have time to put the steps in these days! Well, how have I really been doing on this journey? I've had "setbacks". When I gained a few pounds I told Tyler I mostly feel bad because I already told my blog that I lost 5 pounds! He wisely replied

"Isn't that what your blog is all about, being honest about what this struggle is REALLY like?"

So.... right around DAY 20 I gained a few pounds back. I basically quit doing the "program" and ate too much. I did not plan on what I would eat. I am proud of myself for realizing this is a process and forgiving myself and getting back to planning what to eat. I listen to The Beck Diet on CD. It helps me to realize as i listen to this lady on the cd tell me about her life commitment to this and to all her experience in counseling hundreds of overweight people , that there are thin people all over who limit what they eat all the time...for the rest of their lives. I like imagining myself in the future (Not too distant cuz i only have 8 pounds to lose to get to my healthy goal wt) just living out my days as a thin person who still does this program! This is a different thought than the solutions I used to go after. I would throw myself into something with the thought that this is the answer to how this is gonna be EASY. No more work!! That is the biggest lie. It will always be work. I choose to take this one day at a time trusting God to strengthen me to live and eat in a purposeful way that pleases Him. It is for Him and for the purpose of living a glorifying life of service to Him. Knowing that this is long term helps me to keep going and not quit when I blow it. Blowing it is part of the journey.

DAY 30

Stay in Control When Eating Out
Plan to eat out.
Today you'll create a plan for eating out and set a date to implement this plan at a restaurant some time this week.
* Choose a suitable day and place.
* Go with a friend.
* Plan in advance how much you're going to eat (its fine to eat 25% more than
you usually eat)
* Plan what to eat.
* Plan to deal with sabotaging thoughts.
* Plan how you'll tolerate cravings.
* When your food arrives, portion off the food you can eat.
* Assess your success.

DAY 29

Resist Food Pushers

*You're entitled to work toward your goal of losing weight as long as you're not
maliciously trying to make someone feel bad.

*It's okay to disappoint others. Disappointment is a normal part of life. Their disappointment most likely will be mild and fleeting.

Make a plan of what you will say if someone offers you food that you do not plan to eat.

"No, thank you, it looks delicious, but I'm fine."

DAY 28

Get Ready to Weigh

You will weigh and record tomorrow because you have been dieting for 2 weeks.
Today prepare your mind for this. Don't starve yourself today in
preparation for weighing! It is what it is. It is info to learn from.

Prepare a pep talk for yourself for any senario you face tomorrow losing, staying t he same or gaining.

No matter what the # on the scale you can be grateful for what God is doing in you through this and grateful for your hard work so far. You have not been perfect
but that is life.

DAY 27

Master the Seven Question Technique

Now that you have identifies your sabotaging thoughts and the mistakes in thinking
that are typical for you, you will now address these thoughts with the answers to the following questions whenever they arise.

Make a truth card from the answers to the following questions that you need to remember for the next time you have each of your typical sabotaging thought.

1 What kind of thinking error could I be making? (mistake #)
2 What evidence is there that this thought might not be true?
3 Is there an alternative explanation or another way of viewing this?
4 What is the most realistic outcome of this situation?
5 What is the effect of my believing this thought and what could be the effect of changing my thinking?
6 What would I tell a close friend if he were in this situation?
7 What should I do now?

DAY 26

Recognize Thinking Mistakes
It's important to realize thoughts are just ideas, not necessarily truths.
The thought, I have to have some, is not true.
There are 9 common thinking mistakes people make when dieting.
1 All or nothing thinking, ie
*Either I'm completely on my diet, or I'm off it.
*Either I am 100% successful or I'm a failure.
2 Negative fortune telling, ie
*Since I gave into that craving, I'll never be able to tolerate cravings.
3 Overly positive fortune telling, ie
*I'll be able to eat just a little of this...I don't need to measure.
4 Emotional Reasoning, ie
*Since I feel like a failure...I must be.
*I feel like I have to eat this.
5 Mind reading
*They'll think I'm rude if I don't eat this.
6 Self-deluding thinking
*It won't matter if I give into my cravings.
7 Unhelpful Rules
*I can't waste food.
*I need to feed my family other foods.
8 Justification
*I need this because I'm so stressed out.
9 Exaggerated Thinking
* I have no willpower

Now compare this list with your list of thoughts from yesterday.
What mistake corresponds to each thought?

Day 25

Identify Sabotaging Thoughts
Eating doesn't happen automatically. Before you take that first bite of
something you didn't plan to eat, you almost always have a thought or series of thoughts. Once you identify and respond to those thoughts, you'll be better able to
control your eating.
For a few days write down your sabotaging thoughts as you identify them. If you
notice that you're tempted to eat something that you're not supposed to eat ask yourself,
What was just going through my mind?
What was I just thinking?
For now just try to list these thoughts and we will discuss what to do with them in the next few days.

DAY 24

Dealing with Discouragement.
To deal with the discouraging thoughts that inevitably come
as time goes on, re-read your advantages truth card. In
fact rewrite it. Also, focus on what you can do today. Thinking too far into the future is NOT helpful. Every time you find yourself thinking
I can't do this anymore..I can't continue for weeks or months!
Tell yourself:
Forget the long term..focus on today I know I can continue what I
I need to do today...if its hard tomorrow I'll deal with it then.
Matt 6:34
Don't worry about tomorrow, today has enough troubles of its own.

Day 23

Counter the Unfairness Syndrome
-----------------------------------------
Dieting might not be fair, but I have 2 choices:
I can feel sorry for myself, stop following my plan,
never reach my goal, and continue to be unhappy
with myself. Or I can sympathize with myself but
go ahead and do what I know I need to. Everyone
experiences some kind of unfairness in life. This is
one of mine and god is sovereign. Besides, the greatest
unfairness to me would be if I let this excuse prevent me
from reaching a goal I strongly want to achieve.

DAY 22

Say Oh well at disappointment.
At some point you will get discouraged. Either at your lack of "progress" or that
you even have to do this at all. Why can't we just eat like everybody else!

Dr. Beck wants you to say..."Oh well"

I think it's another way of saying ,.."God is sovereign"

This is the situation He has given me and He is good. He will work it for my good and His glory."I don't get to eat more cake, Oh Well"
" I was stressed and over ate, Oh well"
"I'm hungry, Oh well."
"I don't feel like writing down my food plan for tomorrow, Oh well."
God will help me and he knows what's best for me. This is what He has helped me decide to do and commit to...so I will trust Him.

before and after

This is my friend who introduced me to the Beck Diet Solution. The" before" is somewhat before she started the diet and she had recently had a baby... she lost some wt and then she lost 15 lbs in 3 months on the diet.
Quoting my friend
"They (pictures) also don't say that the biggest changes have been in my relationship toward food. Even at my heaviest non-pregnant weight, I didn't think of myself as overweight (though now I can see clearly that I was), so being a healthy weight now doesn't feel all that different in my head. (I can sure run a lot faster though.) Then I didn't really believe that I could lose weight or would be that much healthier if I did. I thought that 'people like me' just inevitably gained weight as they got older and there wasn't much I could do about it. I was a serial snacker and ate for comfort. I've learned through this process that food is for nourishment (both sustenance and pleasure), but isn't the best thing for solving my boredom or depression. That, to me, is a whole lot more important than the body part."

DAY 21

Weigh in. If you haven't already, you will step on the scale in this step. It is important for you to start using the scale as an information tool that provides data you can use to guide your eating. The main point of this step, is to ensure that your attitude about weighing is right. Otherwise stepping on the scale can discourage you and derail your efforts entirely.
If the number on the scale is not as low as you were hoping tell yourself that this is merely a tool to help you learn. The goal you are striving for is living for God and not yourself..and you have not failed at that. Perhaps other factors joined to give you a higher number. It could be any number of physical variations, time of the month, sodium intake etc... Also perhaps you ate more due to stress you were experiencing. You have not blown it...you are not a failure. God wants you to trust HIM and boast in the cross, putting no hope in your own efforts. He will use this number on the scale to teach you about Him and your relationship to Him. Its all good. Continue to weigh on a regular basis and record your weight. Its also fun to put your weight on a graph.

DAY 20

Get Back On Track
You know by experience that there is a point in your "diet"
that the energy wains, the motivation lags...you just run out of the ability to keep it up and you have a bad day ...or days... Actually its just true of any attempt to do what you are supposed to. We fail. It is life.
The gospel says that failure is a part of this journey. Christ came and did not fail because we did. And do. This forgiveness and love gives us the ability to persevere on our journey of living for Jesus, not for ourselves. It gives us the freedom and joy to obey.
His holy spirit also HELPS us. He is in us with His life, power and attributes!
If you slip read yourself a truth card:
__________________________________________________________________________________
If I've eaten something I shouldn't, I haven't blown it. I can start following my plan
again right this minute. (Don't try to make up for the eating just continue your plan as long as you are hungry enough to eat what you planned) Remember the goal is not perfection..the goal is living for Jesus and this is part of living for Jesus. You are doing it!!!

ITS A FIGHT

This struggle with eating is the same as every other struggle in life. I don't want to feel discomfort (the discomfort that everyday LIFE brings) and instead of going to the Lord of the universe I go to anything else to make me feel better. I want to feel better more than I want to worship my God.
At the core its the same issue as my everyday wanting to do my own thing. That's why keeping in view my PURPOSE in life is so refreshing. I DON'T WANT to live for myself but for Him who died and rose on my behalf. On this death diet I am reminding myself I 'm not living for myself.

But I really fight doing that! Lord, change me.

NO FEAR

Hunger won't KILL me. This is perhaps the biggest thing I am learning from the Beck diet solution. I think one reason I am not successful at staying at a healthy weight is that I fear hunger and I am mastered by cravings. The past few days I have noticed my thinking when I start to get hungry. It may be about 4 pm and I start to get hungry. I begin to think about what I can eat. I am even tempted to just eat my evening meal already! My husband does not get home until 7 pm. How am I supposed to wait 3 hours?! And I fear that if I do wait then I will not be able to eat just a little food, I will go crazy and overeat. I fear being out of control. This is when the desire begins to turn into a craving and my physiology even gets into it. My mouth waters! I feel a strong urge to eat! In the past I thought it had some power and validity but now I think "Maybe it doesn't?"
Is God's grace big and strong enough to carry me through those 3 hours? Is it big and strong enough to even keep me controlled while I eat? Yes. And I am proving it little by little by withstanding hunger and not dying and not going crazy and overeating. My hunger and cravings are NOT bigger and stronger than me! They do not HAVE to be obeyed. Once I say NO CHOICE even those physiological symptoms GO AWAY. I mean they will come back but a person CAN go without food for a long time. And thats ok.

DAY 19

Create an It's Not Okay Response Card similar to the one below and read it daily, perhaps whenever you read your Truth cards. Pull it out whenever you are in danger of of not following your plan.

___________________________________
Its Not Okay
It's not okay to eat unplanned food of any kind.
I'm just trying to fool myself. Every single time I eat something I'm not supposed
to, I strengthen my giving in muscle and weaken my resistance muscle. I might feel
good for the few seconds I'm eating, but I'll feel bad afterwards. If I want to lose
excess weight and keep it off, I absolutely must stop fooling myself.

DAY 18

Change your definition of full.
If you can't easily take a brisk walk after a meal, it means you have eaten too much
and you might have an unrealistic definition of fullness.
People with weight problems tend to have a hard time stopping eating when just satisfied for a number of reasons. One reason is that you have gotten used to eating to overfull not just satisfied. Another is that you might just want to prolong the eating experience. Or you might be concerned that you will get hungry soon.
Today you will practice telling yourself that you can stop when satisfied. Eating just to have the food in your mouth for longer is just not acceptable. You no longer need to eat because you fear hunger. Hunger is ok and it won't hurt you.
Slow down and notice when you are satisfied.

The All-Sufficient God: Joy in the Journey

By affliction, the Lord teaches His people to sit loose from this world, and to be prepared for eternity. By affliction, God shows His people the vanity, vexation,emptiness, weakness, and nothingness of all created things; and the choiceness,preciousness and sweetness of communion with Himself.

- Thomas Brooks

DAY 17

Today, you'll practice not overeating. You will purposely serve yourself too much food at a meal today. Also put something on your plate that you are not supposed to eat. Before beginning to eat push the extra portions to the side. Practice your thinking as you eat, "It is great that I'm not eating this, it would go to waste in my body because I do not need this food."and "Just because I am craving it does not mean I have to eat it."

DAY 16

Prevent Unplanned Eating
Your written food plan prevents a lot of indecision and struggles with temptation because once the decision of what you will eat is made a lot of the battle is won.
But there will still be those battles when you are put in a tempting situation like being offered a brownie at a reception or being tempted to have one more glass of wine with dinner.
The solution is straightforward: Tell yourself that you don't have a choice. You made a plan, and you'll follow that plan--no ifs ands or buts.

Firmly saying "NO CHOICE" decreases both the struggle and the discomfort.
Make a truth card that says NO CHOICE and read it twice a day.
You should be making truth cards for the other tasks that counter any thoughts you may have arguing with doing the tasks. For example: a card that tells you why you need to write down your plan even though it feels legalistic. you might write:
"Even though this seems weird and legalistic, I believe this is what God has given me to do at this time, as a means to put my trust in Him."
Read your cards daily.

Goal?

Me: "Darn, I'm not down in the 2's yet!"
Coach Tyler: "Why do you care? That's not your reason for doing this."
Me: "But I wanna post on my blog that I have lost 5 lbs!"
Coach Tyler: "Why? The weight loss is not the point."

Perhaps the most important aspect of the W-D diet for me is that the goal really is not weight loss.
The goal is to trust God and eat in a way that says "God is suffucient!"
Every time I weigh I remind myself that the weight does not matter. My heart attitude is changing and that's meeting the goal.

Goal!!!

Have you met your first goal? If so let me know by commenting below! I have lost 5 pounds! What is your reward going to be? I have a hard time with rewards because I'm so lazy. Going ANYWHERE is just not a reward! Buying something is not a reward. I thought of the perfect reward: a decent glass of wine. By decent, I mean a bottle that costs more than my usual 4.98 I have a nice bottle (20 bucks) and I am going to have a glass tonight since I met my first goal.

DAY 15

Monitor your Eating
After eating make note in your notebook whether you ate what you had planned to eat. If you eat something more..note that.
Be sure to give yourself credit and be thankful for following your plan!
If you eat something you shouldn't do not think to yourself "What an idiot! I'm never gonna do this right!" Instead say"It isn't a big deal...I can get right back at it ..and it was a good job that I wrote it down!"

To Do
Write up your food plan (takes about 3 minutes!)
read your truth cards at least twice
read other truth cards as needed
eat slowly, seated
express gratefulness when you engage in helpful eating behaviors
exercise

I be up in the gym just workin' on my fitness

Oxygen magazine was one of my false motivators. I began to get scarily into "clean eating" and began loving the idea of being one of those people who work out twice a day. It felt good to be master of my body, to create something good and to be in control. ( Like God is supposed to be.) It worked for a while but in the long run a false idol will destroy you!
It keeps demanding more time and attention until you don't even have room for God.
Weird things you begin to think when you serve the false god fitness:
1) I am clean if I eat clean, I will pack all my food in lovely safe plastic containers.
2) I am more worthy if I have just worked out.
3) Breast implants may be worth the money and the surgery.
4) I must be hairless, tan and have fake fingernails to be perfect.
5) Aging is not an option..it is shameful.6) Tombstone: she achieved defined abdominals.

MOTIVE

James 4

Submit Yourselves to God

¹What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? ²You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. ³When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

⁴You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. ⁵Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?^a]">[a] ⁶But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."^b]">[b]

⁷Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

The 2nd word Paul Tripp gives to describe living in a Christ-centered way is motive. Changing my motive for dieting has made a huge difference! I am living more with a fear of the lord. "Fear of the Lord means that I carry around with me such a deep awareness, awe, and reverence for the power, holiness, wisdom, and grace of God that I would not think of doing anything other than living for his glory. Fearing the Lord means that this worshipful awe is the single motivator of everything I think, desire, say and do."

When I dieted for a number on the scale or for a look I was after it was so frantic and hopeless and inconsistent. Remembering God's glory daily feels smooth, consistent and infinitely hope-filled. I know I am empoered to eat for His glory by his strength. No doubt.

I also know that if gain weight it is not the end of the world. I am in Christ. He is in me. He will keep me where He wants me.

DAY 14

We are ready to start the actual diet if you haven't already!
It is a Monday and I know how necessary it is to start on a Monday and
not on a Tuesday for heaven's sake.
The task to begin today is writing down what you are going to eat.
Ideally you would do this the night before.
This is a crucial step! It is not a popular one but studies show that people who record what they eat daily keep the weight off more successfully than those who don't.

As you go through your day follow your eating plan and record if you eat anything other than the
planned food. You will do this for as long as it takes to lose the weight. You can try occasionally
without writing down your menu and if you find you are overeating then you can go back to this helpful habit.

DAY 13

Today we practice defeating a craving. When you want to eat but eating is not in the plan at this time (or the food you want is not what you planned on) you can resist eating! It will not kill you! There are a number of tools we will use for this. Today I'll go over mindset techniques and I plan to revisit the last 3 tasks in the near future because I did not give them the time they deserve! Every time you have a craving do the following 1) Label it-Tell yourself--This feeling is just a craving...it is uncomfortable and intense but, (like hunger) its not an emergency. 2)Stand firm-Tell yourself you are not going to eat the food you are craving. When you wait out a craving you strengthen your "resistance muscle" and weaken your "giving in muscle"... 3) Don't give yourself a choice-once that decision is made it is easier. Tell your self..NO CHOICE. 4) Imagine the aftermath of giving in.
5) Remind yourself of why you want to learn to withstand cravings. Read your truth cards.

DAY 12

Today you practice tolerating hunger. Many overeaters fear hunger, like I do! This exercise will show you there is absolutely nothing wrong with being hungry and even slipping a meal. ( I have actually fasted for 14 days drinking only juice for half of the time and water for half.)
Yeah, crazy woman...and you are listening to me. No, seriously I really benefited in many ways on that fast and spent the time praying for a few urgent issues. So I know I won't die if I skip a meal and neither will you. (If you have a medical condition like diabetes of course, do not do this days task.)
I also know I have the tools now to not go crazy and overeat if I get too hungry. One day this week or another convenient time skip lunch or at least go 5 or 6 hours between meals. Again, observe how you feel each hour and write it down. Be sure and practice eating slowly and mindfully at your next meal.

To Do
read your truth cards at least twice
read other truth cards as needed
eat slowly, seated
express gratefulness when you engage in helpful eating behaviors
exercise
observe your hunger for a day going 6 hours without food

Update

Someone asked me today in our moms' bible study (when i let someone else get a word in edgewise),
if I am enjoying this journey of the Welcome-to-your-Death Diet. This person does not ask questions frivolously so I thought about the answer today. I do like this experiment so far for the following reasons:
I focus on my true purpose for eating the way I am eating many times a day, therefore I focus on my true purpose in life as many times a day. (Living for the glory of God)
I enjoy the change I see in my attitude toward eating. I am eating for nourishment with pleasure not for emotional reasons.
I have lost 4 lbs.

I have not had as much time as I'd like to read The Quest for More by Paul Tripp or to blog about the things I'm learning there as it takes time to explain the tasks for the day. But it has been good to write those synopses as it reminds me what I need to do daily. (I have been busy moving and also have a final in one week in my Theology and Secular Psychology class.) I hope to spend more time on the Quest for More when things settle down.

DAY 11

Today we will learn about our hunger. Thin eaters eat in response to hunger. Not me.
Food is an emotional crutch so hunger tends to be irrelevant. Time to start focusing on this because I want to learn to eat for nourishment of the body God gave me and not as a means of stuffing, avoiding or handling bad situations or feelings.

We will talk later about how to, then, handle these feelings. For now it will be so helpful to just study how hungry you get during the day and how you feel about it.

As you go through your day today (or tomorrow if that's more convenient) you will keep record of when you eat and on the hour how hungry you feel. Also if you have an urge to eat write it down and notice what the urge feels like. True hunger is in your stomach and feels hollow or growly. False hunger or head hunger is in your head, in your throat, and in your mouth.

If it is not time to eat something by your diets rules you can tell yourself "NO CHOICE".
"I will not give in to this temptation." When you make this decision most times the craving will subside. Even if you are truly hungry you can wait for awhile to eat and the hunger will ebb. God made us this way since we can't always eat when our body begins to urge us.

read your truth cards at least twice
read other truth cards as needed
eat slowly, seated
express gratefulness when you engage in helpful eating behaviors
exercise
observe your hunger for a day

Glorify God

1 Corinthians 6:20
you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

DAY 10

How are you doing so far? Take a minute to glance over the steps and honestly evaluate if you are being serious about the tasks. It may seem silly to be strict about each one like being grateful for the good things you are doing several times a day. It may be silly to others but not to you because you have a purpose in each of them and your purpose is to glorify God in your body.

Today you will set a goal. A good long term goal is to be within the guidelines set for us in the good ol' charts. But the goal we will set today will be a short term goal. Five pounds is a doable goal that can be acheived in a short enough time to keep you from getting discouraged. When you meet that goal you will celebrate. Decide now how you will celebrate. Get yourself a little gift, take a day off or go out to dinner.

to-do
read your truth cards at least twice
read other truth cards as needed
eat slowly, seated
express gratefulness when you engage in helpful eating behaviors
exercise
set goal to lose 5 lbs

What A Waste!

Wasting time?
Are you focusing too much on an END PRODUCT or goal today?
Are you discouraged by your messy house, you just didn't get enough done today?
Did you "waste" money in the stock market or on a bad choice of purchase and its haunting you?
Did the scale discourage you today?
If so you are not living in the right ECONOMY!

In God's economy the process is what counts. He wants you to NEED Him, He wants you to DEPEND on Him, He wants you to TURN to Him and LOVE Him. That is all he wants. It doesn't really matter how much is getting done or if life is efficient or really the end product as long as He is glorified in the process. His strength is made perfect (and He is glorified) in your weakness.

Mary WASTED costly perfume on Jesus. Sometime Jesus allows things to be wasted, like money time, effort, but in the process His goals of LOVE and GLORY get accomplished.

If you are trusting Him this minute nothing else matters...He causes it all to work together for your good and His glory. So rest in Him.

DAY 9

Research supports that in order for you to have long term success in keeping your weight down you must include regular exercise. Its a fact. Not only does it help with your weight but exercise will benefit your body as an instrument for God in so many ways.
It is the vehicle you use to serve Him so if you are living for the purpose of His glory, taking care of your body is going to be part of that. Exercise includes cardio and weight training. Cardio improves heart and lung function for longer life and the ability to walk round more easily and weight training or resistance training strengthens bones, speed up metabolism (so you can eat more) and enables you to move and work more tirelessly.

I have written down the benefits of exercise to read and remind myself.
1 I can work more efficiently so I can get more done (serve family) without tiring

2 I can visit family or friends and take out of town guests around without tiring..more able to minister to them.

3 Live longer and more robustly so I can love God and love people.

So make a plan to exercise at least 3 times a week.

Make truth card for exercise or for anything you are struggling with.
Read over truth cards for the last 8 days tasks.

DAY 8

Create time and energy. This process of changing your eating will take time...time to plan your meals, shop, record what you eat, read your truth cards. So you will need to schedule in time to do these important tasks.
First determine how long you need to do your reading, recording, etc... Next schedule a time in your day to do these important tasks. It can be first thing in the morning or right before bed. Whatever works for you. I suggest recording what you will eat on any day on the day before.
Scheduling time to worship, read the word and pray is important. This is not for the purpose of "earning your righteousnes" but its because you WANT to do these things. You love God and know how easy it is to let your flesh rule your schedule.

DAY 7

The task for day 7 is to arrange your environment. Prepare your home and work environment by putting tempting foods where you won't easily see them~and by putting wholesome foods allowed by your diet in plain view. You may even need to not allow tempting foods into your home for a time. Think about your goals. It is worth it. Nothing is more important than giving this your all. Don't hesitate to throw food away that you do not want to eat or be tempted by. Better in the trash than hurting your body.

Coach Tyler

This is my diet coach. He encourages me daily in my true purpose for living and dieting. If I gain weight he encourages me to think of it as a process. He thinks I'm beautiful at any weight, or at least tells me it often. I have also recruited my daughter to help. Actually she takes it on herself to push me in the right direction in a lot of ways.
Yesterday I popped a bag of light microwave popcorn and was about to eat it in bed in front of the tv. Jesse yells from the other room "You get up to the table!" She was right. It is crucial that I follow the rules that are there to make me successful on my new quest for eating healthfully. It is not the least bit fun to eat popcorn at the table but if I eat in bed in front of the tv it will not register that I am eating food for the purpose of nourishment.
These habits are not optional. Choosing a diet coach is not optional. Do it. 5-4-3-2-1 now

The Bible's Purpose

“The Bible’s purpose is not so much to show you how to live a good life. The Bible’s purpose is to show you how God’s grace breaks into your life against your will and saves you from the sin and brokenness otherwise you would never be able to overcome… religion is ‘if you obey, then you will be accepted’. But the Gospel is, ‘if you are absolutely accepted, and sure you’re accepted, only then will you ever begin to obey’. Those are two utterly different things. Every page of the Bible shows the difference.”

- Timothy Keller

DAY 6

The task for today is to choose a diet coach to:
Keep you motivated
Build your self-confidence
Help you solve problems
Keep you accountable
Help you grow in the grace of the gospel

Consider choosing:
A close friend or family member
Someone who wants to do this program with you

You want a diet coach who helps you identify and counter your unhelpful thinking, gives practical advice is highly encouraging and motivating and is willing to help you implement this program.

To Do
Schedule a regular time to meet with your coach to discuss wt
and how you are doing with all the steps.

And...
don't forget to daily read your truth cards
be grateful for the good choices you are making
sit and eat slowly

DAY 5

Today's task is to eat slowly and mindfully. There are two reasons this is helpful.
*When you eat slowly, your mind has time to register that you're full.
*When you notice and enjoy every mouthful you feel more satisfied when the food is gone.

Some helpful tactics:
Put your utensils down several times during the meal and wait 10-20 seconds before picking them back up.
Take sips of water between every few bites.
Think about how the food tastes, pay attention as you eat.

Today's to-do list
Read my Truth Card "why I am doing the W-D diet" twice
Read your other truth cards as needed
Did I eat slowly? sitting?
Was I grateful for the success I've had today?

SOURCE

One of my reasons for doing the Welcome-to-your-Death Diet is to live my life more for Christ. I know that I use food as a source of comfort, and help in my day. Staying on an eating plan, especially one that has you eating mindfully for the purpose of nourishment is exposing in me how much I use food to cover emotions like fear or anxiety.

Living for Christ means HE is my source for everything. He is all I need for shalom or wholeness in my life- He is my source of self-control, strength, beauty, grace, perseverance.

Ephesians 1:3-7

Spiritual Blessings in Christ

³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. ⁴For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love ⁵he^a]">[a] predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— ⁶to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. ⁷In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace

DAY 4

Gratefulness
Today we combat negativity with gratefulness and make a plan to do it several times a day. People who struggle with their weight tend to be hard on themselves. When they slip on their diet they become very self-critical. Instead of viewing slips as mistakes and thinking how they can solve the problem the next time it arises, they tell themselves that they're weak, hopeless, or bad.

The good news is Jesus paid the price for our badness. We were enemies but His death on the cross has forgiven us and made us friends. Every good thing I do now, I can thank God for. And every bad thing I do I can receive forgiveness for. I have to stop thinking God is always disappointed in me! He is happy with me because of Jesus!!!


So rather than being negative all day be kind to yourself.
Every time I eat sitting down, or read my truth
card, or resist some food when it is not on my plan, I will say "whew, good job, thank you, Lord" or "Yay for me!" or "Thank you, Lord for being my strength".

If I slip up, I will thank God for His forgiveness.

You can put this on a truth card or put up a sticky note to remind yourself or decide to make a list of the good things you have done on your diet each day at mealtime, but set up a way to remind yourself to to be grateful for every little step you make.

Read your other truth cards today!

DAY 3

Eat Sitting Down

It sounds easy but this is a tough one for me. I believe it is key.
If you eat standing up or while doing anything else, you have less chance of really being aware of what you are eating and of being satisfied by it. So starting today commit to sitting at your table for your meals AND snacks.

If you find this hard maybe you are expecting more out of food than it was meant to give. I know I do. Food is my comforter. I love to eat in front of the TV or in bed with a book. It soothes me and rewards me. Also I will grab food as I go along the day as if it is my helper.

Comforter, soother, helper. This is the role God wants to play and I am turning to food instead. Since I want to turn to God I am going to obey this step. It is working. Food is serving its purpose of nourishing me. The rest of the day I find myself stuck with my fears, and emotions because I am not running to food. I am taking them to God more.

Write out a truth card for this step.
example: Sitting down is not optional. It's essential for controlling what and how much I eat.
or:" Just this one time" is not O.K. I have to face the fact that I probably can't lose weight or keep it off if I refuse to change this.

Read your Reasons for doing this Truth Card twice today. Or more if you need it.

Diet is a Bad Word

Its so funny how every one is so down on diets. Even the commercial diets!
Weight watchers has big ads all over the place that say. QUIT DIETING.

Every diet I read about claims “this is not a diet, it’s a way of life”

18 years ago I was on the “nutrition” team at our church in Nebraska.
Our church had a school, counseling clinic, and medical clinic in the same building.
We ministered on “teams” according to these areas. My husband, a physician, was on the medical team and so was I, conveniently I had a nutrition degree and was interested in that area. A dietician from our church worked at the clinic and lead the team. She introduced us to a new idea for weight management. It was the idea that our bodies would tell us how much food we need by our hunger if we would learn to listen to it.

Then when Weigh Down came along it had somewhat the same idea (but with the salvation losing heresy)

This has been part of my struggle to stay on a diet. In the middle of it when the going gets rough I think, “this does not feel right, I should be able to do this without all these food rules” then I eat a cake.

I think my problem is that I think it should be easy.

I am in search of the key that will just make it easy! Dr. Beck says otherwise. So does Jesus. I am called to take up my cross and follow Him. A tad ouchy. Both say it will get easier…Jesus: take my yoke upon you and learn from me..my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Dr.Beck: “If you follow the 42 steps in the six week Beck Diet Solution Plan you will find that dieting is easier than it has ever been in the past.”

Diets I have tried

low cal
overeaters anonymous
mostly carrots
consequence diet (if i ate in between meals i had to vacuum)
bulemic diet (like it sounds)
stormy omartian
overeaters victorious
thin within
thin again
fasting
fit for life (30 lbs!)
weigh down
atkins (20 lbs!)
weight watchers (20 lbs!)
oxygen magazine diet (10 lbs)

DAY 2

Ok, you choose your diet today. Choose any healthy diet cuz this time its gonna be different. I chose weightwatchers because they are currently siphoning money out of my bank on a monthly basis. And ww is very healthy and i can go to meetings for extra support. My back-up (choose 2 diets) is nutrisystem. I am a huge sucker for 40-something washed up stars losing gobs of weight and looking adorable. IE
Marie Osmand, Valerie Bertenelli.
One problem I have is really believing that a diet is the right way to go. I think it should come naturally without any rules! But then I think about my schedule. I fully believe I have to plan a schedule or i won't do what needs to be done. So what's the difference? I am thinking of the diet part as the plumbline i have chosen for God to work on me through and around. I am not serving the diet I am serving Him.

I wrote another Truth card for when I doubt I should be on a diet that reminds me of this. You might do the same if you have sabotaging thoughts about a "plan".

Also Read your truth card! Twice! Like you mean it!

some of my reasons

Reasons I do welcome to your death diet

1. I don’t want to live for myself but for
Him who died and rose on my behalf
2. I will not be controlled by anything
3. I want to live for God’s glory not my own
4. I will live longer
5. I will be healthier, no diabetes, or
heart disease .
6. I will be able to serve my family, and
minister to others more effectively and
for longer
7. I will travel more easily, less pain and
discomfort.
8. My feet will feel better.
9. I want to bless others with beauty
10. I do not want to be depressed, discouraged
or distracted by my weight
12. It’ll be easier to dress every day
14. Less depression so I will be able to get out
and grocery shop, counsel or go to church
15. I will not spend times every day feeling guilty for overeating or
for being a bad person
16. I will not waste time and energy vacillating from plan to plan;
philosophy to philosophy.
19. Outward fruit of God’s help
20. Helps me focus on God many times a day

DAY 1

This first 2 weeks is laying the groundwork. Learning crucial strategies that you’ll need to be successful and maintain the weight loss. (You don’t even have to start the actual diet part for 2 weeks) Today you will make your first Truth Card. Truth cards are index cards with messages that will counter sabotaging thoughts. This first card, to me, is the crux of the diet. Why am I doing this? (my past motives were not powerful enough to carry me) So write down on an index card (or on a few) your reasons for doing this program. I left off all idolatrous reasons like: I must look good to feel good about myself! I will include my sample list. The reasons should line up with God’s purposes for your life. You will be taking a minute twice a day to read through this list. I set my phone to remind me at 8 and at 3pm. Dr Beck kicks you in the butt a little bit to MAKE you do this…I have decided I am going to do every single thing she says. She has convinced me it’ll work if I take it seriously.

Coming soon...DAY 1

I promise next post to record what the assignments are on this diet!
It will officially be Day 1. (Um I officially already started and lost 3 lbs but for the purposes of this blog I will record the hows and whats at DAY 1 !!!)

A paper I wrote about my bi-polar mom

(Editor: delete stuff about my siblings...I don't want them to be mad at me) Mary Kay Martin
CP&P Feb 2008
RP#8
http://www.ccef.org/basics-about-bipolar-0 (check this out)

I read “An Unquiet Mind” in one day. I enjoyed the book because I have personal experience with Manic-Depression.
I was around 8 years old in the late 60’s the day I recall hearing the term Manic- Depression. I didn’t like it because it sounded like maniac and the Psychiatrist was talking about my mom. Dr. Brookes had called us all into his office, all 8 of us, to explain the episodes my mom had been having for the last 30 years. He thought the 6 of us kids should know why my mom had been carted off to the hospital several times, sometimes by the police, why she talked fast sometimes, stayed up all night writing novels on whatever paper she could find, and often sat at the dinner table fast asleep with a lit cigarette. He drew a line on a graph to show us my mom’s ups and downs that made up her condition.
By this time my mom was on lithium and thorazine and life for my family had improved a lot over what they had gone through. I admire my dad so much for all he persevered through. Well, he actually jumped ship after my mom jumped in a lake with their first born baby. She was hospitalized and my dad just left, in shock I guess. Two years later my dad having a bout of conscience came back and had to explain to my mom’s dad and uncle “his intentions”. I guess he convinced them he was committed because they accepted him back in my mom’s life and my dad proceeded to stick around for the rest of her life, through many ups and downs and in the process made 5 more babies, me being the 5th. My brother was cared for, for those two years by my aunt. He is now a psychiatrist himself, and bi-polar. The rest of us seem slightly crazy but in my opinion we get less crazy as we go down the line. I feel pretty sane as the 2nd to youngest. My mom was somewhat stable during most of my life. I hear she got bad after my birth and my little brother’s birth. My grandma had to take care of the newborns as she kept finding my mom asleep with a baby and cigarette in hand. My sister claims I was all but abandoned when my brother was born one and a half years after me. She says she took care of me which explains our mother-daughter-like dysfunction.
I remember my mom coming home a couple times from the hospital and my older sibs warning the younger ones to be quiet so as not to make mom “nervous”. At that time it was called a “nervous condition”. She always came home from these stays with crafts which confused me. I later figured out that making clowns out of scraps of cloth was “therapeutic” for the patients. My mom also received shock treatment which was thought to be “therapeutic”.
I was spared the memories of seeing my mom taken by the police which my 3 older sisters and eldest brother remember. In fact she did so well during my youth that when I was 15 I was quite perplexed when she went through a manic phase. It was bad and I was the oldest kid home now so I pretty much took charge. My dad coped by way of denial. (I wondered why in the world he let my mom work in our catholic school cafeteria while she looked like she could fall asleep any minute. Now I realize it was the denial/passiveness. I was embarrassed when my 4th grade crush, Matt Werthmann asked me why my mom looked so sleepy.) Anyway, during her episode my sophomore year, I did all the laundry, cooked the meals and hopped out of bed in the middle of the night to try to coax my mom back to bed, or at least to put the cigarette out so we wouldn’t burn in our beds. All the thanks I got from her was that she called me a brat. Of course I knew she would never have talked to me that way if she were not hyper. Hyper is the word my mom preferred we used when referring to her manic episodes because she also thought it sounded like maniac and she tended to be in denial about things just like my dad. Like when she insisted the name of her clothing store was Fashions Unlimited, when it was actually Fashions-at –Large. She denied her weight problem.
After that big episode my sophomore year my mom continued with small ups and downs until her death at age 62. I was 24. I always felt that her mental condition was what led to such an early death. In order to keep calm and avoid hyperness my mom smoked and overate and limited her activity to reading the paper and watching Wheel of Fortune. She died of congestive heart failure.
Even though I see myself as one of the emotionally more healthy offsprings I can totally relate to bi-polar mood swings. I can relate to the feeling described in the book that “I can do anything” and the opposite feeling that “I don’t want to do anything”. These cycles are usually short and not drastic in intensity. I’d say 2 weeks of the month I am inert and 2 weeks I am super mom. Over the past few years these moods have dramatically evened out. I believe this is due to my increasing reliance on the gospel for justification. I notice that if I am down and feeling worthless, a reminder that I am perfect in Christ prevents me from going even further into the pit. When I am energized I don’t over do it because my worth is no longer dependant on how much I accomplish. It rests on Jesus’ work. I’ve learned to take my moods in stride and to remember than they do not last forever. Jesus loves me no matter how motivated I am and in fact my moods are quite separate from who God sees me to be.
I often wonder how these truths would have helped my mom to weather her serious mood swings. She became a Christian before her death and I look forward to seeing her in heaven, as she was meant to be, without the drugs, violent mood swings and the cigarettes.